I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
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