i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize
