Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
