Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
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