Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
