yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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