Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
