my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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