I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
