Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
