Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
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