At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Randomize