at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
