does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
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