I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
