I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
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