how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
