I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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