I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
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