Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
