Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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