I think I am morally bankrupt
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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