Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
