Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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