i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
