A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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