I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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