my room smells like sperm. sweet.
He passed out mid-signature
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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