he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
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