Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Randomize
