WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Randomize
