I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I am spending my child support on dildos
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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