3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
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