Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
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