dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
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I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
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btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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