I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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