I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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