Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
