I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
