I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
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