I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
