Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
