Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
