You're so nebulous sometimes
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Ladies don't puke and tell
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
