I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
