I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
