I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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