What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
