Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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