Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
