im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Randomize
