Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
