I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
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