I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Randomize
