After last night, I could never be a politician.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Randomize
