I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
