apparently the secret to your success is patron
Four minutes until I can fart!
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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