PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
