Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Randomize
