someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Randomize
