trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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