i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
