Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
