i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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