Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
