I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
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