I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
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